woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
