If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Randomize
