if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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