Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
