What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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