I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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