just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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