morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
