As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
