My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You smell like stripper and shame
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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