He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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