The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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