He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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