I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize