just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
