This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
