currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
