Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
