Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
