i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
