That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
