You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
