that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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