3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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