the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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