I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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