I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
