Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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