new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize