do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
