I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
