Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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