why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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