You're earring is so big in my mouth
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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