i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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