when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
