okay pat passed out under dana's car
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
