i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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