I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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