this beer tastes like vomit already
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
