Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
