Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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