you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
