You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
