Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
