Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize