I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
