i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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