a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
