Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
