I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
