when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
