And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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