when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you inspire me to be a worse person
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
