just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
