So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
