At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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