You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
