there's paper in my vomit.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize