if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
