That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
