I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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