You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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