Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
