Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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