There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
