the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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