My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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