I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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